Why can’t I treat myself better?
Ok so I’m posting this because I am bored and I have to get it out there.
I feel like I am invisible to everyone around me. I feel useless and stupid. I have no husband, boyfriend, etc, no kids and I feel like I am being used by my sister because of it. She is always trying to change me. She has repeatedy told my to cut my hair, get a new car, get a new job. Hah! In todays economy I’m lucky to have a job! I feel she thinks everything I do that doesn’t have to do with God is a sin. She doesn’t say it but it seems she is thinking it.
I feel like a failure who isn’t good at anything I do. I am stuck on writing, have tried drawing but I’m stuck there to. I would like to be great at just one thing. Have people look at whatever I did be it writing, drawing, whatever and say “OMG that is amazing. You are so good at this.” I guess I don’t get enough praise and I’m just looking for attention. What’s wrong with that?
Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I am always beating myself up over things that I have done wrong. “I’m so stupid. You freaking idiot. Why did you do that? Get a life. Get a husband. Have some kids.” I know it is all my fault for feeling this way but I can’t get over it. The world is a beautiful place (well for the most part). Why can’t I just see the beauty in it and be happy?
Then driving home from my other sister’s house after babysitting when I was feeling really low and wishing that I could go to sleep and never wake up somebody sent me a sign. All of a sudden two doe appeared in front of my car and just stood there starring at me in the middle of the road. They weren’t frightened at all. They then continued walking across the road to safety. Somebody must have been hearing me berate myself and wanted to tell me to shut up and enjoy what I do have.
I often need to remind myself of it but when I do I feel better.
Sometimes I feel so lonely. My best friend has not called me or come to see me since coming back from Florida two weeks ago. Her phone is turned off (yet she has access to other phones) and she has my house key since she was supposed to watching my cat although my brother said she hadn’t been there the last two days of my trip. Some friend she is. She is really pissing me off. I don’t have the time to drive all over the town looking for her. I don’t have the money to spend on gas doing that either. Grrrrrrrr! I have gone to her house a couple time to see if she is there and she’s not.
I feel like no one cares while at the same time wondering if my family and friends really do love. I guess my best friend doesn’t though or she would make an effort to see me.
Unicorn Fields, Dragon Skies 